dealing with low YouTube views

Sigh. My views are REALLY low these days. It's definitely tough to deal with. 

I am constantly reminded of the tennis mindset. If you win a game, even when you are ranked world #1, you only win a bit over 50% of your points. When you lose a point, all you can do is focus on the next point. Play that next point as well as you can. 

I've been practicing that mindset over time. I'm not the strongest person, but I know I am capable of going through enormous levels of pain to get to my goals. I know that sounds dramatic. Enormous levels of pain? From just making videos?

It really has been painful, oddly enough. In addition to physical pain, this is how it feels inside my head: It takes many hours for anyone to film and edit a video. And then, you upload. It feels like sending a risky text or letter into the unknown to someone who you've never met. You forget, momentarily, all the friends who would actually love to see the video. Then you see the numbers come in, and nearly every time, they are a big disappointment. You have to separate the results from the process. It's easy enough to do this for one year, but can I do this for five? I don't know if I can keep believing in myself. I feel foolish for doing this.

I’ve been told many times that my videos have helped people. That makes it worth it to me, so I'm not going to stop, because I still love editing videos. I just do, and I can't describe why. Every minute and hour in front of Final Cut Pro feels like the best feeling. If that's what my passion is, then I'm going to keep improving it. I'm going to get as many proverbial tennis grand slams as I can, not in trophies but in lives touched. 

Okay, I'm going to stop ranting now. See you in the next Sunday YouTube upload.

𝓵𝓸𝓿𝓮 𝓯𝓻𝓸𝓶 𝓳𝓪𝓷𝓮 ૮꒰˶ᵔ ᗜ ᵔ˶꒱ა

P.S. If you want to hear more than just what I've been working on or thinking about at a surface level, I share deeper and more personal stories on Patreon.

what i’ve learned after 1.5 years of editing youtube videos

I’ve been editing YouTube videos for about a year and a half now, and it’s still my favorite thing to do. I love it. It doesn’t feel like real work to me. Some parts get monotonous, sure, but I don’t mind — I just take a break and come back. Every time, I love how it makes me feel.

Lately, I’ve been learning how to make you feel something too — to connect more deeply with what you see and hear. My edits now lean more on emotion and storytelling than on counting how many exact seconds a clip should last. I feel more while I edit, and it seems to come through. Some subscribers have even told me they’ve cried (the good kind of cry) watching my videos. If I’m doing this right, maybe more of you will cry too (in good ways, I hope).

I’m excited to keep going. The next video will be up on Sunday, October 5 — I hope you enjoy it.

P.S. I asked the community whether they’d like to see flowers or animals. For a while it was close, about 50/50, but flowers won by a small margin. I’m glad people voted. And since there was strong interest in animals, we’ll see them the following week if all goes well.

₊˚⊹ ᰔ˖ ⊹ ࣪ ౨ৎ˚₊ i <3 u ꒰ᐢ. .ᐢ꒱₊⁺⊹⋆₊˚⊹ᰔ

YouTube update

I'm getting into a better rhythm with YouTube. My vlogs have been getting higher like:view ratios than other videos. However, vlogs usually get the lowest views (and impressions) so I will try to bake in some SEO into the timestamps or video descriptions and cross my fingers. I'm still getting low views but I'd like to build a library of vlogs because they are well-received, and I really enjoy making them and hearing what people think or how they make people feel (all positive so far, thankfully!).

I'm hoping to post on a more regular schedule. I will be scheduling videos to go out on Sundays at noon Eastern time. If I make a video before Sunday, I'll just schedule it for later. If I have a lot of videos in the queue then you might see bonus videos going out on Wednesday. But I don't want to overcommit, so my primary focus is Sundays. 

I've always wanted to post on Sundays because I think those days can be lonely sometimes. Monday through Thursday, most people are working. Friday they're winding down. Saturday they're out with friends. Sunday, they come home and get ready for Monday, and sometimes Monday is just annoying to deal with. I hope by posting on Sundays, somehow the upcoming Monday won't seem as bad.

I hope to Twitch stream again because it is really fun. But only if I feel that I'm ahead on making YouTube videos. I see it as an extra reward! I just started playing Oblivion -- the original one. It feels like a really great game. Full of great music, a great plot, etc. It just seems to have the meat and potatoes. I've never felt the same way about a video game before. It's a bit scary for me because I'm more used to games like Pokemon or Hello Kitty Island Adventure but I'm pushing through. 

Well, I look forward to seeing you on YouTube this Sunday. I hope you enjoy it. Whether you do or not, I'd love to hear your feedback.

Extra special thank you to the channel's first ever Patreon member and YouTube members. If you are enjoying my work and would be open to supporting me, I'd be thrilled to see you there!

I'm doing YouTube full-time right now and will continue working hard to make good and comforting videos for you.

𝓵𝓸𝓿𝓮 𝓯𝓻𝓸𝓶 𝓳𝓪𝓷𝓮 ૮꒰˶ᵔ ᗜ ᵔ˶꒱ა

My YouTube Plan

I am working on combining my technical skills, storytelling, deadpan humor, and artistic shots into one type of video. My goal is to create a new type of video format no one has ever seen before, combining the technique of film with the intimacy of speaking to only one person, layered with both seriousness and humor.

Previously I wanted to explore every topic possible, and try every format possible, and explore the extent of my creative range. 

As time goes on the videos will probably be more “consistent” and able to “snowball” a bit better. I loved making a documentary but it was too impersonal. I loved making post ironic comedy but it was too unserious. I loved making introspective vlogs but it was too focused on me. I loved doing vintage restorations but it was too technical. I want to combine pieces of those aspects into something stronger. Something that can stand in an even better place because it used the best of every previous video.

If I had stayed with handbag or watch videos the channel would have snowballed by topic. But I wanted to create something new and have the freedom to explore any topic.

Still, I am very scared. I feel like a bit of a fool making these obscure videos and stare at the numbers too much!

Please let me know what you think of the next video.

The first week of having a flip phone

The first week of having a flip phone has been amazing. I have so much more time now. Almost too much time. I get everything I wanted to get done and more. I have so much less chatter in my head about how horrible I am. I still have it but there's less time spent on that and more time doing what I need to get done.

I want to become a really great video editor.

𝓵𝓸𝓿𝓮 𝓯𝓻𝓸𝓶 𝓳𝓪𝓷𝓮 ૮꒰˶ᵔ ᗜ ᵔ˶꒱ა

first few days using a flip phone

{ these are journal entries from my flip phone}

i got a kyocera digno 920kc in pink. it's been life-changing. here is how i felt the first few days, starting with july 1, 2025.

day 1 🦄d=(^o^)=b🦄
wow. i really like this phone! i feel like the loud thoughts in my head are quieter now. my smartphone gave my brain too many ideas to process in a short period of time. i'm looking forward to getting texts to work on this too.

day 2 has been amazing. i enjoyed texting my husband when out and not getting into instagram scrolling. next i want to text without looking at the keys and use my iphone less

day 3 🏖️ has been great too. i'm getting faster at typing without looking and really enjoying waking up to texts instead of the internet. also the battery seems amazing from normal use. i'm trying to figure out which devices to use when and realized my ipad has mostly been unused lately.

The first 10 weeks of self-employment

It’s been two and a half months since I left my corporate career, and somehow it feels like much longer.

My problems didn’t magically disappear, but removing myself from environments where people were toxic or unethical has made a huge difference. It’s helped me draw stronger boundaries in every part of my life. I’ve kept standing up for myself, and I no longer feel the need to make everyone overly comfortable the way I often did in my twenties—which, ironically, doesn’t help anyone in the long run. Making decisions that benefit everyone in the long run usually means disappointing, angering, or confusing people in the short term. I’ve been learning to sit with that discomfort and trust my instincts.

I haven’t been editing videos as quickly as I’d like, but I’ve managed to keep up a steady rhythm of uploads and stay connected to my passion for storytelling. More and more people have commented on my editing, which feels like real progress. Editing takes hundreds—sometimes thousands—of decisions, plus some studying, some experimenting, and working within whatever constraints the software and format give me. But it continues to fascinate me. I love finding ways to reflect ideas both visually and audibly.

Pacing has been a huge part of that. Just like an orchestra speeds up or slows down, a video needs the right timing, too. But that only makes sense to me once I know what kind of “music” or emotional tone each part of the video should carry, and how those parts fit into the whole. I actually can’t begin editing without choosing the music first. Once I hear how each part feels, my brain tells me exactly how it’ll look. That’s when I’m ready to edit.

I've also been spending some time on eBay and my online store, but instead of letting it take over, I’ve kept it to a slower, as-needed rhythm. Putting some boundaries around that time has done a lot for my overall happiness. Those projects bring in some income, but they’re just a few of the income streams I want to establish for the long term.

A new idea I’ve been thinking about: livestreaming. I saw someone do that on a Chinese TV show a while back—just chatting on their phone, live—and for some reason, I liked the idea of it. It feels more natural to me than streaming video games, and maybe a little easier because we're not forced to talk about a certain game. I’d like to try broadcasting to Twitch and YouTube at the same time. If we try that, I’d love to see you there.

I installed Linux on my old Macbook Pro.

I have a 2017 15" MacBook Pro in my house. The battery's dying, the keyboard is a bit broken (t’s often turn into tt’s), and it wouldn’t even connect to Wi-Fi until I finally fixed it yesterday.

Then I had the bright idea to install Ubuntu 24.04 LTS (Linux) on it, since macOS runs painfully slow on this old machine. After about five hours of troubleshooting, I came to the frustrating conclusion: the version of Ubuntu I wanted to use just doesn’t play nice with this MacBook’s Wi-Fi hardware. I’d need to buy a $30 wireless adapter to get reliable internet. Ughhhh…

I don’t regret trying all of that, but I was definitely not having fun for most of it. I managed to get Wi-Fi working on one type of Ubuntu desktop environment (GNOME), but not the one that lets me install a Windows XP theme (XFCE). So I had to choose: working internet or retro aesthetic. At one point, I broke Wi-Fi completely. It wasn’t even an option anymore — and had to fix it all over again. The last 24 hours of my life (when at home) has involved endless Terminal commands, going in circles with half-working, half-outdated instructions online.

What’s next? I have got a MacBook Air from maybe 2011 sitting in Florida. That one might be a better Linux candidate. Apparently, it uses different Wi-Fi hardware that should “just work” with Linux. It also doesn’t have the awful butterfly keyboard, has backlit keys, and retro in a way I love. If I can get that old computer running smoothly on Linux, that’ll be great.

I was going to say I can’t wait to try it out, but Linux made me sleepy.

Listening: Pressure Machine - The Killers

𝓵𝓸𝓿𝓮 𝓯𝓻𝓸𝓶 𝓳𝓪𝓷𝓮 ૮꒰˶ᵔ ᗜ ᵔ˶꒱ა

Reflecting on YouTube

Um, wow, what a difference. I spent more time this week editing a YouTube video and only part of Friday on my store and eBay, and I felt so much better about everything. I just really love video editing.

I'm excited about editing this week and creating the next video. I really want to do the best I can possibly do. I want be there for the people who want to watch something there.

For the last video I worked on creating more of a cohesive look throughout the video and matching it up to the sounds and music. I still have a lot to improve, but I feel more and more proud of what I'm creating.

I am also getting nicest, sweetest comments. I am very lucky the internet has delivered my videos to them. (That's how YouTube claims the algorithm works. They deliver videos to audience members they believe will enjoy the video at specific times when they believe the audience member will enjoy them.)

It's easy for me to get into negative thought patterns, anxious and scared thoughts, thinking I'm awful, there's no point, etc. but I need to just keep working on what I love because my work is already a source of comfort for people (according to the feedback they've sent) and will only become more true as I improve.

I've been typing this in the corner of my bedroom where I set up a small IKEA Kallax desk. The window is open. I can hear the wind. If you look out, you can see thousands of windows and lights from the city. I want to remember the calm moments like this. I hope I get more of them because anxiety is loud and I like living without it.

I don't have a lot more to say about that because I got very sleepy this evening, but good sleepy.

Listening: Billie Eilish - BIRDS OF A FEATHER

Watching: This Super Mario 64 video.

Bargain Hunting

One of the things I spent the most time doing when I was down South for my high school reunion was bargain hunting at Goodwill locations within a reasonable driving distance. 

The good news is, I found some cool things. My favorite find was a Y2K-era beige keyboard at a Goodwill Electronics store where nearly every keyboard is $9.99. The guy at the cash register looked at it then looked at me puzzled and said, “Don’t you want a better one?” but it was such a treasure to me. Then I asked how much and he said two dollars. Lucky for me, he didn't think it looked cool.

before restoration

after restoration

The moon button in the top-right of the keyboard then my iMac goes to sleep. Then I can press the button again for the display to wake up. It is sooo annoying to put an iMac to sleep. If you long-press, the iMac displays a window asking if you'd like to shut it down (along with the other native MacOS options). This is a serious benefit. The PLAY/PAUSE and FFWD/REWIND and LOUDER/QUIETER/MUTE buttons work too. That's more than enough for me. It's life-changing.
The last 10 things I'll say about this keyboard is, it's my second mechanical keyboard ever. I have the 40% Vortex because it has pretty beige retro colors but it is not practical. This keyboard is clicky *and* soft, which is a miracle. Like having the satisfying click but also the softness you can feel when you press all the way down. I didn't know that was even possible. Also my husband is falling asleep to the gentle sounds of an old keyboard typing away, which is likely soothing for him because his brain can work like a computer at times.

The SLEEP button works. Can you believe that? A SLEEP button for an iMac? And with a moon icon? I mean, this is next level. Old tech is giving me new features. I just need to press the moon button in the top-right of the keyboard then my iMac goes to sleep. Then I can press the button again for the display to wake up. It is sooo annoying to put an iMac to sleep. If you long-press, the iMac displays a window asking if you'd like to shut it down (along with the other native MacOS options). This is a serious benefit. The PLAY/PAUSE and FFWD/REWIND and LOUDER/QUIETER/MUTE buttons work too. That's more than enough for me. It's life-changing.

It was made by COMPAQ which no longer exists, first of all. It has these Y2K buttons along the top like a dedicated email button. (Too bad I accidentally rubbed off some of the icon paint during cleaning. I learned my lesson.) The keys are incredibly satisfying to press down. It just feels like quality. The overall look is in this vintage tech beige that I wish they still made things in. The keyboard is just new enough to have a USB plug-in into the computer. 

Whoever used it previously literally never wiped it. They just kept using it every day, over and over again. How else would you get such a consistent blend of dirt across the keys? 

After I cleaned the whole thing with isopropyl alcohol (and probably accidentally breathed in too much), the keyboard looked immaculate. (After using isopropyl alcohol to clean a large number of retro tech items the past couple of weeks, I admit I need to find a more ventilated area to work on these restoration projects.)

I can’t wait to plug it into my iMac. (Edit: I have now plugged it into my iMac and it's perfect. Typing on this old but sturdy keyboard and updating my Blogspot while wearing my Pokémon Crystal Version t-shirt. I know.) 

best thing in my wardrobe

I also found two working Nintendo Wii consoles for $24.99 each. One to keep as a backup at home because it also plays GameCube games and in fact has the same hardware as a GameCube. (After disassembling 2 GameCube’s several times in one day, I’ve learned GameCube’s are monetarily costly to fix). And one to maybe sell in the future. 

My conspiracy theory is, as GameCube’s continue to break down and are difficult to refurbish at a reasonable price, they will increase in price and Wii’s will be more in demand as they are allegedly easier to fix and simpler overall.

GameCube’s were only $25 when I was in college about 11-15 years ago. Now I can find a Wii at a Goodwill for $25. Now GameCube’s are $100-200+. Maybe Wii’s will get up there too. Just don’t tell anyone else, because then they’ll know our secret. 

If you have a working GameCube right now, I’d recommend buying yourself a working Wii just in case the GameCube breaks. Much cheaper than buying a new and working (or refurbished) GameCube later when they are more expensive, only to realize the GameCube laser or capacitors will fail once again. 

I also like bargain hunting online but it’s been tough. You have to really look in unexpected places. I’ve found some amazing Japanese Seiko watches in astonishingly good condition. (Seiko is like the Toyota/Honda of cars.) But it takes a lot of time. 

I also found some very cute Y2K Coach items that will be up on our eBay some time in the next week along with other items from around my room in Florida. I made a vaporwave logo for the account that I'm pretty proud of, especially since it only took about 5 minutes to do. But I have to owe that to YouTube because I never would've had any vision and brand direction for it had I not spent the entire previous year trying to figure out my vision and brand direction.

It's nearly impossible to find bargain items in New York, but I guess it's possible. Maybe if we find and sell really cool t-shirts. I'm not sure. But I'll think about it.

I really need to fix the GameCube (or at least attempt to) one last time, then edit two new YouTube videos. Hopefully they won't be boring. I injured my back so as long as that's not stopping me, I'll be working.

Talk to you soon. Please come back. I'll miss you.

Listening: Fire Emblem: Blazing Blade - Theme Song